Remembrance
by SilverWolf7
Summary: The Doctor needs someone to talk to after the events of LotTL, and the TARDIS takes him to Sarah Jane. She helps him see reason in her own fashion. A story about anger this time. For the most part. Any and all mistakes are mine.


Disclaimer – Don't own the characters in the story. They belong to the BBC.

Notes – This story came out of a need to see a story with the latest Doctor with Sarah Jane without a companion or two latching on. I haven't watched any of the Sarah Jane Adventures, mainly because I am Australian and I don't think that show starts until some time next year down here. So, that will be ignored. Classic canon butchered horribly, sorry. Mainly because this is more a fic with 10 getting over the damned major big issues he has. Well, another one of them anyway. Bridging the Gap was to see him cry, this one is to see him get rid of some of that anger. I'm not really happy with this story, but I think that has something more to do with the fact that it is much like Bridging the Gap.

Set after Last of the Time Lords, but ignoring the Titanic bit.

K9 is in this story, because I love K9 greatly. I apologise now, lol.

Remembrance

Alone once again.

It wasn't Martha's fault, and he knew that. It wasn't because of the crush she had for him and needed to get away, it wasn't that the past year that was erased was so horrifying for her that she literally couldn't do it again, no, it was mainly because of her family.

Her mother, father and sister hadn't done too well with their time on the Valiant, and they had yet to find Leo, her brother. He couldn't possibly keep her from looking after her family when they had been through something so big that they would have no idea how to deal with it in the first place.

The two good things that had come from it were that Martha's mother now liked him and didn't mind who and what he was, and the other was the mobile phone Martha had given him. He could call her any time to see how she was doing.

She was planning on finishing off her degree and becoming a real doctor. Hopefully she would call when that was done, because he really wasn't keeping track of time too well, which was utterly strange of him.

But, it meant that he was once again alone, with nothing but the TARDIS for company. At one stage he would have welcomed travelling alone, maybe with K9 at his side, and would have enjoyed it too, but since the war he had needed someone at his side to keep him sane.

When he had met Rose in his 9th body, he had been broken, and she had helped immensely, in a time when he didn't care if he lived or died. While she had been freaked at his regeneration, she hadn't left him, but he still found that while his latest body was chatty as a parrot just learnt to talk, he couldn't speak of the important things.

Martha had broken some of those walls down when she had begged him to take her to his home planet. He had lied to her, saying that it wouldn't be any fun for him, and that he didn't want to go home. She had found out later by the Face of Boe that he was all that was left and she had gotten him to talk about Gallifrey. Not the people that lived on the planet, not their technology, just the planet. What it looked like, birds, fish, flowers, mundane stuff like that. He hadn't cried then, but he had gotten close quite a few times.

When the Master had come back into his life he had been both terrified and at the same time immensely relieved. He hadn't been the only one to survive. Though with the way he was treated he was amazed he had survived the year he had been in the Master's hands. But that was all forgiven when he was freed by Martha and her wonderful success in her plan.

He had finally cracked under the pressure when the Master had refused to regenerate, preferring to die in his arms as a last stab at him, instead of staying in the TARDIS and living with him. He would have cared for him really, he would have definitely been nicer about it too than the Master had when he had been the other Time Lord's prisoner.

It had taken him hours to calm himself down enough to work the TARDIS and get them off the Valiant and outside the Jones' residence. He had made a slight detour out to the middle of nowhere to do the funeral rites for the Master, before making it back to Martha's parents' place, having one tiny bite of the feast that had been prepared while he had been busy, and going up to the guest bedroom and collapsing onto the bed, having the first real sleep he had had in a year.

He had woken up starving to the smell of cooking bacon and sausage.

He had acted like his normal self again, able to fall easily into the mask he was so used to showing the world in this body. All smiles and jokes. Jack was there.

Over the next few days the two of them had stayed with the Jones family. By then, Jack decided he needed to get back to his team. He needed to move himself too. He was getting itchy feet staying in the one house with a couple who had just gotten back together, and their two daughters.

That was when Martha had told him, and his mask had almost slipped again. But, now she was out of the TARDIS, and he watched her go back into her mother's house without even the slightest glance back, and he realised that the thing he needed most in the world just then was someone to talk to. Someone who knew him enough to...let him be himself.

The TARDIS hummed softly at him as he started her up and let her take him to wherever she felt best. He was hoping for somewhere uninhabited that he could go to just for a few hours if for no other reason than to scream, because the urge to do so was bubbling up inside of him and he didn't know how long he could stop himself from not doing so.

Instead he found himself outside an unfamiliar house, and he wondered just what the TARDIS was thinking. But the sound of the TARDIS materialising or dematerialising is a unique one in the universe now, and to his surprise he saw a familiar face coming out of the house the minute he had landed.

He blinked. Sarah Jane. The TARDIS had taken him to Sarah Jane. He didn't know whether to hit her a few times with the hammer or hug the rotor. He did a bit of both instead, hitting her once with his hand, before giving her a generous pat on the console.

He slowly stepped out of the ship, waiting for Sarah Jane to run into him with all the force of a truck, and hug him furiously to herself. "Doctor! I thought this time I really would never see you again! What are you doing here?"

He smiled, and this time it was genuine. It was funny how Sarah Jane could always make him truly smile. "The TARDIS took me here. Didn't know where I was until I saw you. Could have been anywhere, really. It's good to see you again."

He hugged her back, clinging to her just as much as she was clinging on to him. It felt good to be needed by someone, even if that need had been abated quite a lot since his last run in with the woman he was currently holding.

He cleared his throat and pulled away before he made a scene of himself in the middle of the street. "See, didn't I tell you it wasn't goodbye last time we talked?" he said, feeling like an idiot as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

"You did. Tea?" she replied, waiting for him to answer. She was looking at him like she couldn't believe he was really there.

"Sounds good. Been living off coffee for the past few days."

He was getting back into his normal routine it seemed, talking nonsensical stuff that didn't matter. But he had been living off coffee when all he wanted was a nice cup of tea, and some good company that wouldn't be afraid of him if he completely lost it. Yet again, it was possible Sarah Jane would turn him away.

He shook his head slightly. No, she wouldn't turn him away, the TARDIS wouldn't have sent him here if she would do that.

Following her into the house, the first thing that greeted him was a happy call of "master!" from K9, as the electronic dog came out from wherever it was he had been watching the meeting of his two favourite people.

And again he smiled a real smile as he got down to pat the dog on the head. "K9! Hello! You been a good dog?"

"Affirmative!"

The new model K9 seemed to be going well. He was just as sleek and shiny as he had been the day he had rebuilt him from the old model. Sarah Jane was looking after her gift well. His smile dropped a bit. "Sometimes I miss you too K9," he stated, giving the dog a scratch behind the ears as they swivelled on top of the canine shaped head, the dog's tail wagging up and down.

"Doctor," came the call of Sarah Jane from down the hall, and he got up off the floor and followed the sound of her voice to the kitchen, where there was a fresh cup of tea waiting for him, a few biscuits on a plate too. The whirr of K9 followed him as he took a seat at the table.

All was silent for a good five minutes, before she asked him the dreaded question. "Are you alright Doctor?"

He didn't know how to answer, and in not knowing how, he tried the way he always did, by stating he was fine. Unfortunately even those words couldn't make it out his lips, so he took a sip of his tea and tried again. "Everything's all..." he frowned when he couldn't finish with the right. "Everything's all..." He sighed loudly and ran his fingers through his hair. K9 bumped his nose into his leg lightly, either out of affection or by accident, and stayed there. He reached down and patted the dog again.

"You know that horrible feeling you get when everything goes wrong and you just want to go somewhere quiet and just...I don't know, yell, scream, and beat things senselessly? I am feeling that."

"Anger, master."

Just anger? "No K9, it's more than that. It's...everything. I can't..."

Sarah Jane was watching him closely, deciding not to butt in between dog and master. He pleaded to her with his eyes to try and show her what he meant. She was human, she should know this.

"Master is confused."

The Doctor looked down at K9, picked up his tea and had another sip to try and stop himself from kicking the robotic beast for stating the obvious...why had he programmed that damned dog to always state the bloody obvious. "Yes K9, I am very confused."

"What did you mean by everything, Doctor?" Sarah Jane said, leaning forward in her seat to look at him more closely.

He shifted. "I don't know. I can't...find the right words. That's a first for me, especially in this body. Usually I just ramble on about anything and everything and never shut up." Shaking his head, he finished off his tea, before trying to explain. "It's just...so much has been happening and everything just...builds up and everything goes wrong and you spend an entire year in slavery only to have that year completely erased to save the world from a major paradox and that's enough to confuse anyone, but no one remembers except for those of us on the Vali...oh, you wouldn't remember that either."

Looking at him like as if he was completely insane, which to him felt like it was getting closer by the minute, Sarah Jane nodded slightly. "Just...try and state what you are feeling please, Doctor, I don't want to try and go through all that and pick out what I do and don't know."

Letting his breath out in a rush, the Doctor picked at the table cloth, needing to do something with his hands or he'd start slamming them into things. "Where to start...umm, anger's been stated already, lonely, sad, relieved, I'm happy to be here and meet you two, confused, stupid, embarrassed, tired, fed up...there's more but I can't think right now. I also have seemed to have lost my direction of time, which is almost completely unheard of."

K9's data banks began their whirring, while the dog processed what he had said. It was the only sound in the room, except for a faintly ticking clock in the background. Sarah Jane picked up the empty tea cups and took them over to wash them when the almost silence became too much. The Doctor got up and headed off to explore the house. He wanted somewhere comfortable to sit and just...rest for a while. A whole year of living in nothing but a small tent as an old man had really played havoc on his system. He just wanted to sleep.

Sarah Jane joined him soon after, keeping him company while K9 was busy in the kitchen.

"I ache all over..." he mumbled, turning his head to look at her as he found the living room and collapsed onto the couch. He laid his head on the back of it and closed his eyes, before rubbing them. "Hopeless, helpless, a complete mess of emotions and other things that I can't control. I feel like I am going to go completely insane if I don't do something about it, but I have no idea what to do. I don't know what this is. Rose would have helped but...she's gone now, stuck where I can't get to her. And this isn't grief either, I know that feeling, and I may be feeling it mucked up with everything else, but it isn't it. It's not what is wrong with me. Something's wrong. I'm scared Sarah Jane."

He let himself slide down, his head resting lightly on Sarah Jane's lap, on the seat next to him. He needed solid contact with another person just then, anyone, anything would have done as long as it was alive, flesh and blood, and could talk back to him. He let out a long low sigh which felt as if all the air in the world could never replace it. "I am so messed up right now."

"As long as you know that, Doctor," Sarah Jane replied, placing an arm around his shoulders and just holding him like that. He didn't think she was being cheeky, but actually meant it. He closed his eyes and let himself relax. A little break from whatever reality he was currently living in seemed good.

He woke up the next day in an unfamiliar bed and shrieked. Where was the Valiant? Where was the Master? And more importantly, why was he in his young body again? Where exactly was this bed? A noise made him quickly turn his head to look down at the floor, and there he saw K9.

"Master is awake," the dog stated, before moving closer to the bed. The Doctor blinked and looked down. Had K9 been talking to him or someone else? Which model was this and who had he left him with? Leela? Romana? Sarah Jane? Why the hell couldn't he _think_?

His answer to whom he had left this model with came through the door a minute later, a tray holding an array of breakfast foods and a cup of orange juice and some tea. He immediately felt nauseous. He swallowed heavily, before closing his eyes. The smell was bad enough, the sight of food was going to make him sick.

"You alright?"

"I'm going to be sick in a minute..." he mumbled, managing to uncurl himself from the mess of sheets and blankets he was under, all of which seemed to have tangled themselves around him sometime during the night. He lurched to the side of the bed, and true to his word threw up over the floor. His stomach had been almost empty, so he spent most of the time trying to get rid of something that wasn't even there to get rid of.

His head was a lot less muggy afterwards, and the visions of his imprisonment began to fade. He must have been dreaming of it and it had followed him into the waking world. What remained with him was the gut wrenching feeling that he was once again truly alone in the universe. He let himself climb out of the bed, find a bathroom, picked up a towel and cleaned up his mess.

"Damn...I'm sorry about your floor," he said, once he was more awake and alert to his surroundings. He turned to the breakfast that was still waiting for him and grabbed a piece of toast. While he loved marmalade in this incarnation, he didn't think he'd be able to stomach it just then, so he ate the toast with nothing on it.

To his surprise he found himself in the same starved situation he had been after his first sleep at the Jones' family after the first small nibble of food. Within half an hour nothing was left, and he was feeling better for having eaten. At least if he was going to be sick again, he had something in his stomach this time. The entire time he had been stared at by both Sarah Jane and K9.

The sudden feeling that he was being very rude overcame him, which wasn't an uncommon thing since his latest regeneration, and he managed a slight blush at the woman's expense. He cleared his throat and looked sheepish at her. "Yeah, thanks. I'm feeling much better now. Didn't mean to be rude. Or sick for that matter. Bad dream."

Great, now it seemed he was the one stating the obvious. His body was covered in a film of sticky, cold sweat and if he wasn't more aware of himself he could swear that there might be dried tears on his face. He ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up at even more weird angles than it already had been from his little night voyage on the Valiant.

"You should know where the bathroom is now, you got the towel form there," Sarah Jane stated, picking up the empty tray and leaving him alone in the room with K9. As if sensing his unease, soon the dog was also out of the room, leaving him to his thoughts.

He picked up the towel and wrinkled his nose. The smell was awful, but at least he didn't feel sick any longer. He threw it in the hamper he found in the bathroom. But first thing first...he needed clean clothes, since his were not wearable again until washed.

He found himself instead of looking through Sarah Jane's belongings (he didn't want to know what he might find in there) in the TARDIS wardrobe, looking for another suit. Truthfully, he wasn't too keen on the blue, he had much preferred his brown suit, but he had that in a place where he wouldn't wear it again; his bedroom. The only things he kept in his bedroom except for a rather comfortable bed were the special mementos from his companions, plus a bench that he used to invent small knickknacks like the sonic screwdriver.

He barely went in there, so it was the best place to keep things close to him, and anything that wasn't in Rose's room that reminded him of her was in his room.

So it was that he found another suit, this one a plain brown. He liked brown, it suited this body well, and at least it wasn't pinstriped. He didn't think he would like that again right now.

He was dwelling too much on his own past, and that was never a good thing. Shaking his head, he took the new suit back into the house with him, the old one being dumped in the hamper with the towel.

He stayed in the shower, immensely enjoying the feeling of the water spraying over his body in a rather relaxing kind of way, until all the hot water was gone. If he was feeling better after the breakfast, he was feeling a lot more like his old self now. Seemed the TARDIS had the right idea in bringing him here, he was beginning to relax and get on with life already. He felt calm.

Dressed, fed and clean, he was feeling much more cheerful than he did yesterday. Yesterday had been a bad, bad day for him. He knew he shouldn't, but he blamed Martha for that, and while he was already beginning to feel the urge to move again, he really didn't think that Sarah Jane would come with him again. Not even for a small trip down the street if it involved the TARDIS.

Bless her really, she was truly trying to move on with her own life and get back into the swing of things without him near...and he had just shown up at her door like this. He was a real bastard sometimes.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to move past the guilt that he felt creeping up, trying to completely destroy his good mood, and moved into the lounge room where Sarah Jane was sitting, a book lying in her lap, opened but not being read.

And like that he felt it slip away completely. In the blink of an eye he went from being in a rather good mood to being immensely angry at everything around him. Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned around, walked outside back to the TARDIS and while he really wanted to wait, he found himself unable to keep it in anymore and before he could even think of setting in some coordinates, he began to wildly punch at the coral like formations he had redesigned the ship with. A scream of fury with unknown origins burst out of him, mad, wild and anyone within a ten mile radius would know that he was pissed off at something and badly.

He wanted to hurt something, anything, and he knew that the TARDIS was tough. He never even thought it through that the ship was sentient, and he had felt the surprise of the ship as he had started hitting her, but he was doing more damage to himself and he wasn't hurting anything critical and he really, really needed a punching bag for moments like this. He was sure he had one somewhere...

When he noticed he was rambling in his own mind, he felt the guilt he had managed to shake off in the house hit him again, but he was unable to stop. It wasn't until he was panting like a dog left out in the heat for too long and his arms felt like they were about to drop off and his punches had become simple little touches that wouldn't have hurt a fly that he truly did stop.

He leaned heavily against the pillar closest to him, catching his breath for a good five minutes, before he felt eyes on him. He gave the part of the TARDIS he had used as a punching bag a rub down with his hands, making him wince in pain. "Sorry old girl," he whispered, leaning against the pillar as his left over energy seemed to leave him.

The gentle feelings of understanding and strong affection waved over him from the link he had with the ship and he smiled, giving her another gentle pat before turning around and looking at the two who were once again watching him.

"Master is angry," K9 said, steering himself up the ramp and closer to the console. He began to search his data banks for something, but the Doctor didn't know what exactly. He remembered the dog saying the same thing or something similar the day before.

Shrugging, he looked down at his hands and winced. "Left is bruised rather badly, and I think something might be broken in the right, but apart from that, I feel a _lot_ calmer than I did."

"Is this a good calm, or the kind that becomes before the storm kind of calm?" Sarah Jane asked, even though she knew the answer already.

Looking at her he shook his head. "This morning I was calm too. After the shower I even felt good. I just...completely lost it. I'm sorry."

Sarah Jane shook her head. "No, don't be. You were angry, you said yesterday that you felt the need to lash out. I'm just glad you didn't use the house for a punching bag. Not that I think the TARDIS deserved it." She reached out her hand and ran it over one of the pillars of coral herself, marvelling at the feel of them for the second time.

The TARDIS hummed happily in his head. She remembered Sarah Jane just as much as he did.

"I'm not talking about this," and he waved his left hand about the TARDIS to show he meant the display he had just put on. "I meant about making things more difficult for you. I shouldn't have left you like that but I just...couldn't go back. You waited years for me, and I was never coming back. And then we bumped into each other and I saw you investigating and it seemed that everything was alright. You were brilliant you know, and I guess you will always be when it comes to things like that, a bit like me I should say. But then you said what you did and I really did feel bad about it, especially for leaving you in Aberdeen. It was Aberdeen wasn't it? Not Croydon in any case. Anyway enough of the tangents. What made me so angry was you. Well it was a lot of things, but I saw you there in your house doing normal domestic things and it just...hit me. Because just before I went in search of you I had been thinking about how unfair it was to have come back here. You are trying to get on with your life without me and every time you seem to be doing alright I end up showing up and destroying all that and..."

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?"

"You're rambling on about nonsense."

And he was. Because as soon as the words were out of his mouth he remembered that it had been the TARDIS who had taken him here, he hadn't been actively seeking her out, and the other time they had met had been pure dumb luck. But the last time had sorted everything out. He had said goodbye, she had said goodbye, and all had been right with the world again.

"So...everything's alright then? You're not mad at me, or thinking I am going to destroy your life again or anything like that?"

Sarah Jane laughed and the noise echoed around the console room. "Oh, Doctor. You never once ruined my life. You left me waiting for you for a long time yes, and while it hurt, I told you I wouldn't have changed the time I travelled with you for the world. And that includes the waiting, because in the end we did meet again, and you said goodbye, and I knew that while it would be chance the two of us meeting again, it wouldn't throw my life out of balance again like the last time."

Nothing at all for the past 4 years, well, 3 if one included the year that was deleted from existence to save the world form that nasty paradox that had been going on, had made him feel as light and free as those words coming from Sarah Jane's mouth. It beat absolutely everything, because it meant that he was worth it, all the pain and sadness and utter confusion with everything, blowing up his home planet to save these people, had all in the end been worth it. He still mourned Gallifrey, more so now than he had when he had been travelling with a companion, as the Master had just brought that all up again.

He remembered conversations in the dark, with a companion, with the TARDIS, with anyone who would listen really, about that, especially with Martha who had opened him up with her utter persistence. He wondered if Martha making him talk like she had helped him to work it out of his system more than Rose's understanding but silence on the matter? Known his luck it probably had.

Either way, it had been lessening and was suddenly back, and he looked at Sarah Jane, dropped his head and let out a laugh at his own stupidity. "I think I know what's wrong with me now. Don't worry, I'll get over it."

He always did. He was a survivor.

"Well, I'd ask you to come with me, but I think that would be cruel by now, and you will probably say no anyway, but it was definitely nice seeing you again. I'd like to meet up some other time when I am not so...well, out of it. But I will say goodbye just in case I don't see you again, and of course to you too K9. Be a good boy for Sarah Jane yes?"

"Affirmative, master. Mistress will be safe."

"Good boy." He leant down and gave K9 a last pet behind the ears before shooing him out of the TARDIS.

"Good bye Doctor. I hope you find your feet soon, and for goodness sakes find an assistant, you seem to be a wreck without one in your old age."

He laughed, and it was a real laugh that made him feel better for it. "Yeah well, a lot has happened to me since we travelled together, and I guess I really don't travel too well on my own anymore. But I lost Rose, gained Martha and she decided to stay home to help her parents through that year I told you about that officially never was. They were just as much prisoners as I was. They didn't take it as well as I did."

The look on the woman's face had him shuffling his feet. "You took it well?"

"The torture and pain and being imprisoned? As much as could be expected from someone used to such things, it was when he died that I cracked."

A shake of her head and a huff of disbelief and Sarah Jane walked to the door to the TARDIS. "You are sometimes very backwards Doctor, but I suppose that is one of your charms. Goodbye."

This time there was no hug, and no tears, and not much of a melodrama other than what had already transpired in the TARDIS and in her house the day before. Instead they waved to each other and she walked out and back to her house. He waited until she was by her door, K9 peeking his nose out to watch him go.

It was all very domestic, but he thought he would definitely come back, maybe in a year or two to see how she was going. There were some things that one needed in this universe, and one of them was a friendly ear to talk to and who wouldn't kick you out when things got over emotional or weird.

Sarah Jane, for all that she had been angry at him, had forgiven him his past for not going back to get her, and had managed to stay friends with him.

Yes, what he had needed was a friend, and she would be there for him until she died.

It was a rather pleasing thought. Even though humans had such a short lifespan, at least he knew she was there still.

And in her own way, she would always be waiting. Just not to be taken on adventures.

They could both live with that.


End file.
